The brown dwarf

Last night I decided I would give posting another try when I woke up, so here I am. Just so you know, I have never been one to keep journals or any record of my life. I think It's pointless and sometimes even incriminating. Really, why keep a written record of all your mistakes in your room, so you run the risk of someone finding it and knowing just how much you suck as a human being?

The whole purpose of getting a blog is to get the things that are constantly bothering me in my head out. Here goes...

The title does not refer to dark-skinned little people or chocolate oompa-loompas, I'm talking about celestial bodies that category-wise are smack between giant gas planets and tiny red stars, in other words, star wannabes.

Yes, I'm a brown dwarf, a wannabe of horrendous proportions. Remember how I couldn't quite explain my personality? It's mostly because of this. I'm a mom wannabe, a wife wannabe, a successful woman wannabe, a student wannabe, a many things wannabe, hell, I'm even a corpse wannabe.

If you were to ask those closest to me how I am as a person, the most likely outcome would be you getting descriptions so different you would wonder if they're all talking about the same person.

Here is me according to others:

My parents

To them I'm this dedicated daughter that would do anything for them. A bit of a neurotic and a hopeless antisocial child, a sometimes too distant, too scientific person. But I'm also this distracted bimbo who thinks "the world is Disney Land", who misses an abnormally high number of jokes and is weird enough to keep them on edge sometimes.

My Brother

I Know to him I'm a bit of a confidant, a a whole lot of pain in the ass. He and I are very alike personality-wise. And I know for a fact that I'm the only family member who he can be openly gay around. He knows I'll never say anything, that I'm actually proud of the fact that he accepts and embraces his sexuality and that even though we fight like cats an dogs, he can always count on me when he needs to.

My sister

That bitch... That phrase is one that will usually accompany any mention of her. She deserves it, just so you know. In any case, to her I'm a righteous bitch, the perfect daughter and an idiot. She resents the fact that I wasn't a coward like she was and I stayed here. She can bite my ass.

My co-workers

They all seems to have very individual, very different views of me. To my girls I'm a freak, a bit of a wolf in sheep's clothing. They come to me asking for sexual advise. If they only knew I'm technically a virgin... I think their jaws would touch the floor, I know I'd laugh my ass off. To my boys, I'm mostly a surprise, the polar opposite of what they thought I was like. To them I'm a boy's girl, someone whom they can be guys around without the fear of offending girly charms.

To my superiors I'm reliable, a leader and someone with the potential to go up in the company.

My RL friends

As with my co-workers they all have varying opinions.

My online friends

I'm a leader, a dark little creature, a threat, a great ally, a fearsome enemy. I would venture to say they are the ones closer to knowing the real me. Online there's no inhibitions, and I make full use of that little, un-spoken rule.


I always try to be honest and I speak my mind regardless of who it may affect. I have always believed that honesty is a virtue, even if the truth is worse than a lie, I'd rather stick to it. As a result of this, I tend to be brutally honest sometimes. See if I care.


Moving on to what's bothering me today, I have found myself thinking about my current relationship a lot more than usual lately. These are thoughts that bother me and make me wonder exactly what the hell is it that I want and what is it that I expect out of what we have.

Just so you know, I have never met my boyfriend In real life. Yes, I'm one of those lunatics that venture into the obscure realm of Online dating.

Mind you, I didn't sink all the way down to using a dating service, our thing started out by accident you could say. After all, who the hell goes into the Adultswim.com's forums looking for love? No one, that's who. Just like everyone else, I was just curious to see what the website had to offer, maybe hang out at the forums. I was 17, no rush really, I was just looking for gratuitous amusement. It was there where I met him. As far as I know, he was pretty much looking for the same. We started talking and goofing, and in good times name, and before I knew it, I found myself attracted to this absolute stranger who seemed to share so many of my views.

Mind you, we didn't start dating right away, it took almost four years for us to actually become a couple. Out of those years, we didn't have any contact for almost a year and when we started talking again, it was like we'd never stopped talking at all. Almost three years ago we became "official", 8 months later I ruined everything because of several things. He was away most of the time, making me feel distant, unwanted even, someone I thought was my friend decided she liked him and wanted him, I in turn was driven into the arms of another friend of mine, whom I dated for a short period of time.

I never meant for any of this to happen and in all honesty, I said "yes" to this other fri4end because I didn't want to hurt him. How absolutely stupid is that? I was stuck In that loveless hell for about 5 months. I won't lie to you, what kept me with him for so long was lust, not love, not even a pinch of it.

After that short, chaotic period, my dearest said something that shook me to my core. He would fight for me, and as cheesy as it sounded, I felt like I was worth something for the first time in a very long time.

So we got back together.

And now apathy threatens to kill "US" once more.

Our future is so uncertain it makes me want to cry. We fantasize about one day one of us catches a bus and suddenly appears at the others door, we meet, we hug, we finally kiss and say I love you to each other's face. It sounds like a cheap ass lifetime movie moment, but I'm such a hopeless romantic that I can't help grinning like a moron with a glint in my eye every time I think about that chick-flick scenario.

Then it hits me, the unnerving wall called reality drops on me leaving me desolate.

I know I'll never have the balls to just climb on a bus to meet this man that lives over a thousand miles away from me. My common sense won't allow it, that, and the fact that I would have to explain to my parents where I'm going to meet this guy I've never seen. That would be quite the spectacle, considering how paranoid they are.

And I know he'll never come to see me, for pretty much the same reasons, and because we are both so comfortable in our own zones, that we don't want to venture stepping out of them if only for a few days.

Thinking about those things makes me question the validity of our relationship, makes me wonder what the point in staying together like this. Makes me seriously consider braking up with him. But that's where I stop myself. My pride won't allow it, neither will my heart. I refuse to be the one that ends it.

Maybe I will allow my gift for self sabotage to take over and ruin things for both of us....


I'm a disgusting human being.