There's days when hope abandons me all together, today's one of those days. . .
I think my life will never become anything, I'll be stuck like this forever, or so I think right now.
He doesn't know I fear he will walk out of my life because I'm not good enough.
As ridiculous as it sounds, there's something in me that yearns for a child. Something inside begs to bear life, to become productive, to push me out of the rot I'm in. A little voice is telling me I need to learn what it's like to be a mother.
He doesn't know that because I'm afraid of what he may think, because he kindda doesn't like children. I'm afraid I might scare him away.
I'm an over analytic neurotic that can't openly express how she feels. I mold myself to fit other people's expectations, I lack the self esteem to just be myself and not give two shits about what people may think. Even if I act the opposite.
He doesn't know how insecure I am about myself. How much I loathe the woman I see when I look in the mirror.
I'm a big, slimy ball of guilt. I don't think I deserve the life I have, I have no right to complain about things. Yet I do.
He doesn't know I feel guilty for my sister leaving us, that I should have done something else to stop her, but I didn't, because I was afraid ...
He doesn't know I'm not as fearless as I lead people to think.
I'm a loser...
Yeah, that was very emo, sue me. *shrug*
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tête-à-tête
I hate a woman I've never really met because she took away my best friend, my role model and big brother figure.
Two years ago I met the third most awesome man in the world, and we became friends, the best of friends if I may add. He was wise, smart, funny and had a soul a hundred times older than he was. He was my go-to guy whenever shit hit the fan or things we're too shitty for me to deal with. He listened to me, gave me advise, and I adored him like a child would their older kin. I fucking looked up to him. I even met his wife, whom I admired and respected beyond words, a sweet, motherly soul that he often said he didn't deserve. She was as every bit as awesome as him, or so I thought...
One day out of the blue, his wife's best friend contacts me. The woman had never met me, but that didn't stop her from insulting and accusing me of creating problems between the friends I held so dear. It turned out that, despite all the pleasantries and enjoyable conversations, my friends were having problems because of me. Why? The wife was JEALOUS, and instead of acting like an adult and laying things on the table in order to fix them, she blew things out of proportion, vented with this other woman and showed her the way to my myspace account.
You can't imagine how betrayed I felt, and how hard I had to fight the urge of flying across the country just to bitchslap the shit of this self-righteous hag that thought she had the right to address me as if I were scum.
After that, things went "back to normal" for a bit, but just beneath the surface, I could feel the resentment seethe, slowly increasing no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Just a few months after becoming the best of friends, he stopped talking to me all together.
I was confused, then worried, then sad. Why would he just dissappear like that? Without a single warning?
Turns out his wife forbid him from ever talking to me again, something I didn't find out about until after messaging him through every possible channel I had. Only after fucking BEGGING her for an answer, did he bother to respond with a cold, condescending tone, like I was, again, a stinking, shitty pile of scum.
I was then, sad, confused and in shock. Exactly what the fuck did I do to make her think I was a threat from 3000 miles away? Why would she act like a damn child when I thought she was one of the most mature people I knew? I never got an answer, and the sadness slowly gave way to frustration then anger just before turning into this almost passionate hatred.
Sure, she's his wife, but It's not my fault that she is so damn insecure about her marriage, I'm not to be blamed for her lack of trust. Yet I was the one who payed for everything. To this day, I still toy with the thought of sending her a nice, fat, "Fuck you" message. One to get her back for the humiliation and sadness she's brought me, for taking away my mentor, my big brother.
But you know, I lack the balls to do that, at least for now; I know one of these days, I'm gonna be pissed because of something else, and will channel all my anger into a nice letter for Mrs. Lisman. And even though I know the bitch won't give two flying shits about my feelings and thoughts, I secretly pray she feels like a steaming sack of manure, just like I did. I hope her ridiculous paranoia eats at her until she goes insane but not before realizing she's been wrong about her loving husband all along, not before learning that he is incapable of betraying her because he loves her THAT fucking much.
I am secretly wishing that, by some retarded twist of fate, she stumbles upon this, and reads it without knowing I'm talking about her. Or even better, I hope she KNOWS it's about her.
If you ever do read this Mrs. Lisman;
You're an attention-seeking, insecure excuse of a woman who thinks she's better than everyone else and has absolutely no godsdamned clue of how fucking lucky she is.
No Mrs. Lisman, I never intended to become a problem, I even suggested staying away after the incident with the withering hag you call your best friend, but HE asked me to not do so, he felt I would be turning my back on him as well, just like you did to him.
Please Mrs. Lisman, realize that if you don't change your ways, he will eventually resent you just as much as I resent you now, And that resentment will lead to anger, and he will eventually hate your very essence, just because YOU refuse to pull your head out of your ass and act like a grown woman.
Mrs. Lisman, please grow up, for the sake of your wonderful family.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I realize how bitter I sound. No worries, I'll be fine. Yes, the whole thing still messes with my head, even after all this time, I still get pissed when I think about the whole thing, and I still feel like calling both of them assholes and all manner of childish insults.
Because really, I still have a lot of growing up to do myself.
As for life, it's life. We're finally moved in, work is still the same routine, I still hate waking up every morning. I'm still holding a grudge against life, even though I have absolutely NO right to do so. I'm still lonely and pushing people away. What else can I do? It's not like I'm going to start pouring my heart out to my people here at home, that's the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so I can bitch freely without the fear of being scrutinized and judged by my family, so I can keep the real me to myself, as I always have.
Quick, retarded fact of the day:
I tend to visualize my bonds with others inside my head. I picture them as silky, red ribbons, that I tie or loose, depending on how close I feel to the person. I never have more than 10 ribbons tied to mine, and I tend to untie them all when I want to shut others out.
Right now there's only one ribbon securely tied to mine...
You try to figure whose it is I guess...
Two years ago I met the third most awesome man in the world, and we became friends, the best of friends if I may add. He was wise, smart, funny and had a soul a hundred times older than he was. He was my go-to guy whenever shit hit the fan or things we're too shitty for me to deal with. He listened to me, gave me advise, and I adored him like a child would their older kin. I fucking looked up to him. I even met his wife, whom I admired and respected beyond words, a sweet, motherly soul that he often said he didn't deserve. She was as every bit as awesome as him, or so I thought...
One day out of the blue, his wife's best friend contacts me. The woman had never met me, but that didn't stop her from insulting and accusing me of creating problems between the friends I held so dear. It turned out that, despite all the pleasantries and enjoyable conversations, my friends were having problems because of me. Why? The wife was JEALOUS, and instead of acting like an adult and laying things on the table in order to fix them, she blew things out of proportion, vented with this other woman and showed her the way to my myspace account.
You can't imagine how betrayed I felt, and how hard I had to fight the urge of flying across the country just to bitchslap the shit of this self-righteous hag that thought she had the right to address me as if I were scum.
After that, things went "back to normal" for a bit, but just beneath the surface, I could feel the resentment seethe, slowly increasing no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Just a few months after becoming the best of friends, he stopped talking to me all together.
I was confused, then worried, then sad. Why would he just dissappear like that? Without a single warning?
Turns out his wife forbid him from ever talking to me again, something I didn't find out about until after messaging him through every possible channel I had. Only after fucking BEGGING her for an answer, did he bother to respond with a cold, condescending tone, like I was, again, a stinking, shitty pile of scum.
I was then, sad, confused and in shock. Exactly what the fuck did I do to make her think I was a threat from 3000 miles away? Why would she act like a damn child when I thought she was one of the most mature people I knew? I never got an answer, and the sadness slowly gave way to frustration then anger just before turning into this almost passionate hatred.
Sure, she's his wife, but It's not my fault that she is so damn insecure about her marriage, I'm not to be blamed for her lack of trust. Yet I was the one who payed for everything. To this day, I still toy with the thought of sending her a nice, fat, "Fuck you" message. One to get her back for the humiliation and sadness she's brought me, for taking away my mentor, my big brother.
But you know, I lack the balls to do that, at least for now; I know one of these days, I'm gonna be pissed because of something else, and will channel all my anger into a nice letter for Mrs. Lisman. And even though I know the bitch won't give two flying shits about my feelings and thoughts, I secretly pray she feels like a steaming sack of manure, just like I did. I hope her ridiculous paranoia eats at her until she goes insane but not before realizing she's been wrong about her loving husband all along, not before learning that he is incapable of betraying her because he loves her THAT fucking much.
I am secretly wishing that, by some retarded twist of fate, she stumbles upon this, and reads it without knowing I'm talking about her. Or even better, I hope she KNOWS it's about her.
If you ever do read this Mrs. Lisman;
You're an attention-seeking, insecure excuse of a woman who thinks she's better than everyone else and has absolutely no godsdamned clue of how fucking lucky she is.
No Mrs. Lisman, I never intended to become a problem, I even suggested staying away after the incident with the withering hag you call your best friend, but HE asked me to not do so, he felt I would be turning my back on him as well, just like you did to him.
Please Mrs. Lisman, realize that if you don't change your ways, he will eventually resent you just as much as I resent you now, And that resentment will lead to anger, and he will eventually hate your very essence, just because YOU refuse to pull your head out of your ass and act like a grown woman.
Mrs. Lisman, please grow up, for the sake of your wonderful family.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I realize how bitter I sound. No worries, I'll be fine. Yes, the whole thing still messes with my head, even after all this time, I still get pissed when I think about the whole thing, and I still feel like calling both of them assholes and all manner of childish insults.
Because really, I still have a lot of growing up to do myself.
As for life, it's life. We're finally moved in, work is still the same routine, I still hate waking up every morning. I'm still holding a grudge against life, even though I have absolutely NO right to do so. I'm still lonely and pushing people away. What else can I do? It's not like I'm going to start pouring my heart out to my people here at home, that's the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so I can bitch freely without the fear of being scrutinized and judged by my family, so I can keep the real me to myself, as I always have.
Quick, retarded fact of the day:
I tend to visualize my bonds with others inside my head. I picture them as silky, red ribbons, that I tie or loose, depending on how close I feel to the person. I never have more than 10 ribbons tied to mine, and I tend to untie them all when I want to shut others out.
Right now there's only one ribbon securely tied to mine...
You try to figure whose it is I guess...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Babble
This is the kind of stuff that sometimes happens when I'm on AIM.
My buddy Psyko has given me permission to post this transcript. Hope y'all enjoy.
[22:59] psyko1379: but yeah, go rent Southland tales
[22:59] darkmoon1984: aight
[22:59] psyko1379: The Rock, Sean WIlliam Scott, Justin Timberlake
[23:00] psyko1379: alot of big names for a small time production
[23:04] darkmoon1984: can they act though?
[23:04] psyko1379: amazingly yes
[23:06] darkmoon1984: nice
[23:06] darkmoon1984: what is it about?
[23:06] psyko1379: Armageddon
[23:06] darkmoon1984: brb
[23:06] psyko1379: and they drop the line "I'm a pimp... and pimps don't commit suicide"
[23:10] darkmoon1984: hahaha
[23:10] darkmoon1984: I might watch it
[23:10] darkmoon1984: just because for some reason imminet doom appeals to me
[23:10] darkmoon1984: hahahaha
[23:11] psyko1379: Yeah, Bassicly, hold on
[23:12] psyko1379: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southland_Tales
[23:12] psyko1379: thar ya go
[23:14] darkmoon1984: hmmmm
[23:14] psyko1379: oh well, not sending lol
[23:15] darkmoon1984: there's no logic behind the chaos engine
[23:15] darkmoon1984: haha
[23:15] psyko1379: actually there is
[23:15] darkmoon1984: you sent me a link to the wiki on el paso
[23:15] darkmoon1984: dood
[23:15] darkmoon1984: i was born thewre
[23:15] darkmoon1984: lol
[23:15] psyko1379: nice
[23:16] psyko1379: but the global deceleration is caused by Fluid karma, which was created by the Neo- Marxist to create a rift in Space time, and I won't ruin the rest for you
[23:17] darkmoon1984: maaaaaaah
[23:17] darkmoon1984: the scientist in me kills whatever fun the movie might be
[23:17] psyko1379: nah, it's a good one
[23:17] darkmoon1984: a planet slowing down would never rip space time
[23:18] psyko1379: no, but the Liquid Karma machiene does, as a side effect of creating the machiene
[23:18] psyko1379: the planet slowing down is what is causing the chemical equilebrium in human brains to go whacked as fuck, and then an appocalyptic crime spree to break out
[23:19] darkmoon1984: hmmm
[23:19] darkmoon1984: mah
[23:19] darkmoon1984: i'll watch it
[23:19] darkmoon1984: if only to poke holes through their reasoning
[23:19] darkmoon1984: lol
[23:19] psyko1379: lol, I WINS!
[23:19] psyko1379: you won't be able to
[23:20] darkmoon1984: wann abet?
[23:20] psyko1379: "Destroy Capatilism, Dethrone God..." thats the Neo Marxist statment, and thats what the movie is created around
[23:20] psyko1379: sure
[23:20] psyko1379: I bet you.... a cookie.....
[23:21] darkmoon1984: it's on then *grin*
[23:21] darkmoon1984: oh
[23:21] darkmoon1984: have you watched children on men?
[23:21] psyko1379: oh?
[23:21] psyko1379: watched wha?
[23:21] darkmoon1984: *cough* children OF men
[23:22] darkmoon1984: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206634/
[23:22] psyko1379: No, I wanted to though
[23:22] psyko1379: it looked amazin
[23:22] darkmoon1984: it's gooooood
[23:22] darkmoon1984: the ending sucks assholes
[23:22] psyko1379: I bet
[23:22] darkmoon1984: but it's worth it
[23:23] psyko1379: wha
[23:23] psyko1379: it does..... ok I'll watch it anyways
[23:23] psyko1379: Jumper wasn't bad
[23:23] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:23] darkmoon1984: it appeals to the human in you
[23:23] psyko1379: but I'm not human
[23:23] darkmoon1984: =_=
[23:23] darkmoon1984: you know what i mean
[23:23] darkmoon1984: it reaches into your psyche
[23:24] psyko1379: As I was saying to blazer, I am going to become the first non-mortal
[23:24] psyko1379: not Imortal, just non-mortal
[23:24] psyko1379: and appealing to my psychee... I like the sound of that
[23:24] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:24] darkmoon1984: well
[23:24] darkmoon1984: if you think about it
[23:25] darkmoon1984: you are only as mortal as the memory of you is lasting
[23:25] psyko1379: but that is Imortal
[23:25] psyko1379: that is your memory or idea carying on
[23:25] psyko1379: I want my being to cary on
[23:26] darkmoon1984: no it's not
[23:26] psyko1379: how so
[23:26] darkmoon1984: your memory will last as long as the eople that knew you live
[23:26] psyko1379: mehhhhh
[23:26] darkmoon1984: once the last person that kew you or herld a memory of you is dead
[23:26] darkmoon1984: the memory's gone
[23:27] darkmoon1984: unless you make it into history, you're destined to fade
[23:27] psyko1379: thats why you burn it into a genetic signature in a god
[23:27] darkmoon1984: but
[23:27] darkmoon1984: if gods have genes
[23:27] darkmoon1984: then
[23:27] darkmoon1984: they're no different from us
[23:27] darkmoon1984: are they?
[23:27] darkmoon1984: think about it
[23:27] psyko1379: of course they are
[23:27] darkmoon1984: we're all gods
[23:28] psyko1379: omnipotence, Gods are just more fluid forms of solid energy than we are
[23:28] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:28] darkmoon1984: you're fun to takl to
[23:28] darkmoon1984: ^^
[23:28] darkmoon1984: you're smart
[23:28] darkmoon1984: in anycase
[23:28] psyko1379: we are energy, they are fluid, we are alive, they are non living, we are mortal, they are eternal
[23:28] psyko1379: and thank you XD
[23:28] darkmoon1984: the idea of god/s appeals to the spiritual me
[23:28] darkmoon1984: but the scientist in me reject the idea with a passion
[23:29] psyko1379: I don't want there to be a god
[23:29] darkmoon1984: so you mean god is the energy of the universe?
[23:29] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:29] darkmoon1984: just like me
[23:29] psyko1379: that just means one last war that we have to wage with a being that dosen't care for us
[23:29] darkmoon1984: why should a god care for creatures as flawwed as us?
[23:30] darkmoon1984: why would it bother to create us in the first place?
[23:30] darkmoon1984: it messes with your head sometimes doesn't it?
[23:30] psyko1379: Because we are the work of that being, we are the bastard stepchildren, and we should be taken care of or taken out
[23:31] darkmoon1984: here's what I think
[23:31] psyko1379: of course it makes your head spin, we can't reason on the same level of a deity, he created us to be dumber than that lol
[23:31] darkmoon1984: where all the me's seem to come together an agree
[23:31] darkmoon1984: god/s=energy
[23:31] psyko1379: I like so far
[23:31] darkmoon1984: they/it exists since the birth of the universe
[23:31] darkmoon1984: not before
[23:31] darkmoon1984: but SINCE then
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it has never done anything
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it just exists
[23:32] darkmoon1984: like the energy it is
[23:32] darkmoon1984: and by chance
[23:32] darkmoon1984: we're here
[23:32] darkmoon1984: not so much as chance if you really think about it
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it doesn't take a genius to know we're not alone
[23:33] darkmoon1984: whether we aknowledge it or not
[23:33] psyko1379: we're a happy accident, like pennicellin
[23:33] darkmoon1984: there's other races out there
[23:33] darkmoon1984: all product of chance
[23:33] darkmoon1984: just like us
[23:33] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:33] psyko1379: oh of course, with all this excess of univers how the fuck are we the only thing
[23:33] darkmoon1984: agreed
[23:33] darkmoon1984: then again
[23:34] darkmoon1984: we base our judgement on something as abstract as life
[23:34] darkmoon1984: WHAT is life anyway?
[23:34] darkmoon1984: think about that
[23:34] darkmoon1984: we are as alive as the atoms that make up our bodies
[23:34] darkmoon1984: right?
[23:34] psyko1379: yup thats about it
[23:35] darkmoon1984: exactly
[23:35] darkmoon1984: so
[23:35] darkmoon1984: what is life?
[23:35] psyko1379: everything and nothing
[23:35] psyko1379: ha speaking in enigmas! lol
[23:35] darkmoon1984: *smile*
[23:35] darkmoon1984: but you're right
[23:35] darkmoon1984: we really can't define life
[23:35] psyko1379: because theres no such thing
[23:35] psyko1379: never has been
[23:36] darkmoon1984: and we use a rather arbitray system to differ from what's alive and what's not
[23:36] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:36] psyko1379: yup "POKE IT WID A STIKK!"
[23:36] darkmoon1984: do you know what the scientific definition of a living organism is?
[23:37] psyko1379: Live? There is no such thing as a "universal" scientific team, scienc still hasn't found out what bonds the neucleus togeather, how in the fuck can we define life
[23:37] darkmoon1984: we can't
[23:37] psyko1379: yup
[23:37] darkmoon1984: but they define what's alive by using a very simple list of things
[23:38] darkmoon1984: to be alive
[23:38] psyko1379: Breath, fuck, eat
[23:39] darkmoon1984: it has to feed, reproduce by itself and react to the environment around it
[23:39] darkmoon1984: and believe it or not
[23:39] darkmoon1984: viruses
[23:39] darkmoon1984: are not considered living things
[23:39] psyko1379: yup, nonliving
[23:39] darkmoon1984: but they still do all those things
[23:40] psyko1379: learned that awhile ago lol, I'm not that retarded lol
[23:40] darkmoon1984: see how absolutely retarded it i?
[23:40] darkmoon1984: i know you're not
[23:40] psyko1379: that it is
[23:40] darkmoon1984: what i mean is
[23:40] darkmoon1984: the system is flawed
[23:40] psyko1379: I know, I'm just fucking with ya
[23:40] darkmoon1984: so how can they even begin to try to define what life is?
[23:40] darkmoon1984: mah
[23:40] darkmoon1984: you're at least trying
[23:40] darkmoon1984: hahaha'
[23:41] psyko1379: So fix the system, fuck the god, smite the mortals
[23:42] darkmoon1984: maybe finally defining life would be killing god
[23:42] psyko1379: Or finding other life
[23:42] darkmoon1984: that would be higly improbable
[23:42] darkmoon1984: i mean
[23:42] darkmoon1984: life islife
[23:42] darkmoon1984: just that
[23:42] darkmoon1984: why would you find another one?
[23:43] darkmoon1984: there's different kinds of it?
[23:43] psyko1379: No, like on another planet
[23:43] psyko1379: that kills; Islam, Christanity, and Judaisim right there, and mabey they'll be able to fix our shit lol
[23:44] darkmoon1984: so you would ratehr have some other life form cme and try to fix us?
[23:44] darkmoon1984: that's rather selfish
[23:44] darkmoon1984: and childish
[23:44] psyko1379: that is true, but wisdom comes with age, and I'm a Vodka and coke fuled 17 year old lol
[23:45] psyko1379: and not nessecarilly "Fix" us, but more, kick us in the balls and tell us whats up XD
[23:45] darkmoon1984: so
[23:46] darkmoon1984: you don't think they would be as fucked up as we are?
[23:46] darkmoon1984: really
[23:46] darkmoon1984: what are the chanes that all life out there is enlightened?
[23:46] darkmoon1984: they
[23:46] darkmoon1984: re probbly all as fucked-up as we are
[23:47] psyko1379: who does, mabey this place never had a Hitler to wipe every one else, or killed Ghandi or Bob Marley, and holy shit, Kurt Kobains there too!
[23:49] darkmoon1984: haha
[23:49] darkmoon1984: or maybe hitler won there
[23:50] psyko1379: who knows, and it's the perfect Aryan race world
[23:50] darkmoon1984: and it's full of in-bred, white asshoels who have a god complex and erectile dysfunction
[23:50] psyko1379: lawl
[23:51] psyko1379: Hey, I'm Aryan, just not a Nazi-asshole
[23:51] darkmoon1984: no you're not
[23:51] darkmoon1984: you're human
[23:51] darkmoon1984: you bleed red
[23:51] darkmoon1984: just like me
[23:52] psyko1379: ope, kinda greenish purpleish orangeish black
[23:52] psyko1379: normally
[23:52] darkmoon1984: =___=
[23:52] darkmoon1984: *smacks*
[23:53] darkmoon1984: haha
My buddy Psyko has given me permission to post this transcript. Hope y'all enjoy.
[22:59] psyko1379: but yeah, go rent Southland tales
[22:59] darkmoon1984: aight
[22:59] psyko1379: The Rock, Sean WIlliam Scott, Justin Timberlake
[23:00] psyko1379: alot of big names for a small time production
[23:04] darkmoon1984: can they act though?
[23:04] psyko1379: amazingly yes
[23:06] darkmoon1984: nice
[23:06] darkmoon1984: what is it about?
[23:06] psyko1379: Armageddon
[23:06] darkmoon1984: brb
[23:06] psyko1379: and they drop the line "I'm a pimp... and pimps don't commit suicide"
[23:10] darkmoon1984: hahaha
[23:10] darkmoon1984: I might watch it
[23:10] darkmoon1984: just because for some reason imminet doom appeals to me
[23:10] darkmoon1984: hahahaha
[23:11] psyko1379: Yeah, Bassicly, hold on
[23:12] psyko1379: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southland_Tales
[23:12] psyko1379: thar ya go
[23:14] darkmoon1984: hmmmm
[23:14] psyko1379: oh well, not sending lol
[23:15] darkmoon1984: there's no logic behind the chaos engine
[23:15] darkmoon1984: haha
[23:15] psyko1379: actually there is
[23:15] darkmoon1984: you sent me a link to the wiki on el paso
[23:15] darkmoon1984: dood
[23:15] darkmoon1984: i was born thewre
[23:15] darkmoon1984: lol
[23:15] psyko1379: nice
[23:16] psyko1379: but the global deceleration is caused by Fluid karma, which was created by the Neo- Marxist to create a rift in Space time, and I won't ruin the rest for you
[23:17] darkmoon1984: maaaaaaah
[23:17] darkmoon1984: the scientist in me kills whatever fun the movie might be
[23:17] psyko1379: nah, it's a good one
[23:17] darkmoon1984: a planet slowing down would never rip space time
[23:18] psyko1379: no, but the Liquid Karma machiene does, as a side effect of creating the machiene
[23:18] psyko1379: the planet slowing down is what is causing the chemical equilebrium in human brains to go whacked as fuck, and then an appocalyptic crime spree to break out
[23:19] darkmoon1984: hmmm
[23:19] darkmoon1984: mah
[23:19] darkmoon1984: i'll watch it
[23:19] darkmoon1984: if only to poke holes through their reasoning
[23:19] darkmoon1984: lol
[23:19] psyko1379: lol, I WINS!
[23:19] psyko1379: you won't be able to
[23:20] darkmoon1984: wann abet?
[23:20] psyko1379: "Destroy Capatilism, Dethrone God..." thats the Neo Marxist statment, and thats what the movie is created around
[23:20] psyko1379: sure
[23:20] psyko1379: I bet you.... a cookie.....
[23:21] darkmoon1984: it's on then *grin*
[23:21] darkmoon1984: oh
[23:21] darkmoon1984: have you watched children on men?
[23:21] psyko1379: oh?
[23:21] psyko1379: watched wha?
[23:21] darkmoon1984: *cough* children OF men
[23:22] darkmoon1984: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0206634/
[23:22] psyko1379: No, I wanted to though
[23:22] psyko1379: it looked amazin
[23:22] darkmoon1984: it's gooooood
[23:22] darkmoon1984: the ending sucks assholes
[23:22] psyko1379: I bet
[23:22] darkmoon1984: but it's worth it
[23:23] psyko1379: wha
[23:23] psyko1379: it does..... ok I'll watch it anyways
[23:23] psyko1379: Jumper wasn't bad
[23:23] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:23] darkmoon1984: it appeals to the human in you
[23:23] psyko1379: but I'm not human
[23:23] darkmoon1984: =_=
[23:23] darkmoon1984: you know what i mean
[23:23] darkmoon1984: it reaches into your psyche
[23:24] psyko1379: As I was saying to blazer, I am going to become the first non-mortal
[23:24] psyko1379: not Imortal, just non-mortal
[23:24] psyko1379: and appealing to my psychee... I like the sound of that
[23:24] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:24] darkmoon1984: well
[23:24] darkmoon1984: if you think about it
[23:25] darkmoon1984: you are only as mortal as the memory of you is lasting
[23:25] psyko1379: but that is Imortal
[23:25] psyko1379: that is your memory or idea carying on
[23:25] psyko1379: I want my being to cary on
[23:26] darkmoon1984: no it's not
[23:26] psyko1379: how so
[23:26] darkmoon1984: your memory will last as long as the eople that knew you live
[23:26] psyko1379: mehhhhh
[23:26] darkmoon1984: once the last person that kew you or herld a memory of you is dead
[23:26] darkmoon1984: the memory's gone
[23:27] darkmoon1984: unless you make it into history, you're destined to fade
[23:27] psyko1379: thats why you burn it into a genetic signature in a god
[23:27] darkmoon1984: but
[23:27] darkmoon1984: if gods have genes
[23:27] darkmoon1984: then
[23:27] darkmoon1984: they're no different from us
[23:27] darkmoon1984: are they?
[23:27] darkmoon1984: think about it
[23:27] psyko1379: of course they are
[23:27] darkmoon1984: we're all gods
[23:28] psyko1379: omnipotence, Gods are just more fluid forms of solid energy than we are
[23:28] darkmoon1984: hehe
[23:28] darkmoon1984: you're fun to takl to
[23:28] darkmoon1984: ^^
[23:28] darkmoon1984: you're smart
[23:28] darkmoon1984: in anycase
[23:28] psyko1379: we are energy, they are fluid, we are alive, they are non living, we are mortal, they are eternal
[23:28] psyko1379: and thank you XD
[23:28] darkmoon1984: the idea of god/s appeals to the spiritual me
[23:28] darkmoon1984: but the scientist in me reject the idea with a passion
[23:29] psyko1379: I don't want there to be a god
[23:29] darkmoon1984: so you mean god is the energy of the universe?
[23:29] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:29] darkmoon1984: just like me
[23:29] psyko1379: that just means one last war that we have to wage with a being that dosen't care for us
[23:29] darkmoon1984: why should a god care for creatures as flawwed as us?
[23:30] darkmoon1984: why would it bother to create us in the first place?
[23:30] darkmoon1984: it messes with your head sometimes doesn't it?
[23:30] psyko1379: Because we are the work of that being, we are the bastard stepchildren, and we should be taken care of or taken out
[23:31] darkmoon1984: here's what I think
[23:31] psyko1379: of course it makes your head spin, we can't reason on the same level of a deity, he created us to be dumber than that lol
[23:31] darkmoon1984: where all the me's seem to come together an agree
[23:31] darkmoon1984: god/s=energy
[23:31] psyko1379: I like so far
[23:31] darkmoon1984: they/it exists since the birth of the universe
[23:31] darkmoon1984: not before
[23:31] darkmoon1984: but SINCE then
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it has never done anything
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it just exists
[23:32] darkmoon1984: like the energy it is
[23:32] darkmoon1984: and by chance
[23:32] darkmoon1984: we're here
[23:32] darkmoon1984: not so much as chance if you really think about it
[23:32] darkmoon1984: it doesn't take a genius to know we're not alone
[23:33] darkmoon1984: whether we aknowledge it or not
[23:33] psyko1379: we're a happy accident, like pennicellin
[23:33] darkmoon1984: there's other races out there
[23:33] darkmoon1984: all product of chance
[23:33] darkmoon1984: just like us
[23:33] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:33] psyko1379: oh of course, with all this excess of univers how the fuck are we the only thing
[23:33] darkmoon1984: agreed
[23:33] darkmoon1984: then again
[23:34] darkmoon1984: we base our judgement on something as abstract as life
[23:34] darkmoon1984: WHAT is life anyway?
[23:34] darkmoon1984: think about that
[23:34] darkmoon1984: we are as alive as the atoms that make up our bodies
[23:34] darkmoon1984: right?
[23:34] psyko1379: yup thats about it
[23:35] darkmoon1984: exactly
[23:35] darkmoon1984: so
[23:35] darkmoon1984: what is life?
[23:35] psyko1379: everything and nothing
[23:35] psyko1379: ha speaking in enigmas! lol
[23:35] darkmoon1984: *smile*
[23:35] darkmoon1984: but you're right
[23:35] darkmoon1984: we really can't define life
[23:35] psyko1379: because theres no such thing
[23:35] psyko1379: never has been
[23:36] darkmoon1984: and we use a rather arbitray system to differ from what's alive and what's not
[23:36] darkmoon1984: heh
[23:36] psyko1379: yup "POKE IT WID A STIKK!"
[23:36] darkmoon1984: do you know what the scientific definition of a living organism is?
[23:37] psyko1379: Live? There is no such thing as a "universal" scientific team, scienc still hasn't found out what bonds the neucleus togeather, how in the fuck can we define life
[23:37] darkmoon1984: we can't
[23:37] psyko1379: yup
[23:37] darkmoon1984: but they define what's alive by using a very simple list of things
[23:38] darkmoon1984: to be alive
[23:38] psyko1379: Breath, fuck, eat
[23:39] darkmoon1984: it has to feed, reproduce by itself and react to the environment around it
[23:39] darkmoon1984: and believe it or not
[23:39] darkmoon1984: viruses
[23:39] darkmoon1984: are not considered living things
[23:39] psyko1379: yup, nonliving
[23:39] darkmoon1984: but they still do all those things
[23:40] psyko1379: learned that awhile ago lol, I'm not that retarded lol
[23:40] darkmoon1984: see how absolutely retarded it i?
[23:40] darkmoon1984: i know you're not
[23:40] psyko1379: that it is
[23:40] darkmoon1984: what i mean is
[23:40] darkmoon1984: the system is flawed
[23:40] psyko1379: I know, I'm just fucking with ya
[23:40] darkmoon1984: so how can they even begin to try to define what life is?
[23:40] darkmoon1984: mah
[23:40] darkmoon1984: you're at least trying
[23:40] darkmoon1984: hahaha'
[23:41] psyko1379: So fix the system, fuck the god, smite the mortals
[23:42] darkmoon1984: maybe finally defining life would be killing god
[23:42] psyko1379: Or finding other life
[23:42] darkmoon1984: that would be higly improbable
[23:42] darkmoon1984: i mean
[23:42] darkmoon1984: life islife
[23:42] darkmoon1984: just that
[23:42] darkmoon1984: why would you find another one?
[23:43] darkmoon1984: there's different kinds of it?
[23:43] psyko1379: No, like on another planet
[23:43] psyko1379: that kills; Islam, Christanity, and Judaisim right there, and mabey they'll be able to fix our shit lol
[23:44] darkmoon1984: so you would ratehr have some other life form cme and try to fix us?
[23:44] darkmoon1984: that's rather selfish
[23:44] darkmoon1984: and childish
[23:44] psyko1379: that is true, but wisdom comes with age, and I'm a Vodka and coke fuled 17 year old lol
[23:45] psyko1379: and not nessecarilly "Fix" us, but more, kick us in the balls and tell us whats up XD
[23:45] darkmoon1984: so
[23:46] darkmoon1984: you don't think they would be as fucked up as we are?
[23:46] darkmoon1984: really
[23:46] darkmoon1984: what are the chanes that all life out there is enlightened?
[23:46] darkmoon1984: they
[23:46] darkmoon1984: re probbly all as fucked-up as we are
[23:47] psyko1379: who does, mabey this place never had a Hitler to wipe every one else, or killed Ghandi or Bob Marley, and holy shit, Kurt Kobains there too!
[23:49] darkmoon1984: haha
[23:49] darkmoon1984: or maybe hitler won there
[23:50] psyko1379: who knows, and it's the perfect Aryan race world
[23:50] darkmoon1984: and it's full of in-bred, white asshoels who have a god complex and erectile dysfunction
[23:50] psyko1379: lawl
[23:51] psyko1379: Hey, I'm Aryan, just not a Nazi-asshole
[23:51] darkmoon1984: no you're not
[23:51] darkmoon1984: you're human
[23:51] darkmoon1984: you bleed red
[23:51] darkmoon1984: just like me
[23:52] psyko1379: ope, kinda greenish purpleish orangeish black
[23:52] psyko1379: normally
[23:52] darkmoon1984: =___=
[23:52] darkmoon1984: *smacks*
[23:53] darkmoon1984: haha
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Reloj...
No marques las horas!!!!!! *damnyoubastard!(shot)*
Ahem, I'm still alive. No, I'm not talking about the move, I believe everyone has a general idea of how much of a pain in the ass it is to move, I refuse to dwell in that, I'm sick enough as is. I'll just say, we're almost done I'm sore in places I didn't think I could be sore at and I have bruises/cuts that I dunno how I got. I'm clumsy, meh.
Since I'm sitting on the floor, don't expect a long-winded bitchfest. I know, a relief for y'all, and yes, it's bee a trend these last few entries. Bite me will ya?
*cough* No, I'm not talking to the readers, but to that voice in my head I often talk to. You guys are cool. *If mostly inexistent*
Anyway, on to what I'm here for.
I believe I can now say I understand what some women mean by their clock "ticking". Now, let me tell you what, I thought it was all bullshit, and a load of socially-imposed shit that we were given, but after spending a good five minutes looking at baby stuff while shopping for groceries, sighing like an idiot and secretly, *FUCKING SECRETLY DAMMIT!!!* fantasizing about having a child, I can safely say, that BS, it's REAL.
I have bought stuff for my boss' baby, secretly wishing It were for my own baby. Hell, the gods know, I'm usually the kind of person that would simply get the woman a giftcard and her best regards, but NOOOOOOOOOoooo, I go and LOOK at this stuff, and I BUY it, for this child I will probbly see just once in my life, all because in the deepest, most ridiculously pink corners of my mind, I wish I was the one having a child. Go ahead, laugh all you want, I'll go beat myself senseless with some common sense *because I love irony THAT much*
SO yeah, curse the clock, hate it 'till you can hate no more.
Irony topper, Chances are, I'll hit the jackpot before I can have a kid.
Don't you just LOVE it?
Ahem, I'm still alive. No, I'm not talking about the move, I believe everyone has a general idea of how much of a pain in the ass it is to move, I refuse to dwell in that, I'm sick enough as is. I'll just say, we're almost done I'm sore in places I didn't think I could be sore at and I have bruises/cuts that I dunno how I got. I'm clumsy, meh.
Since I'm sitting on the floor, don't expect a long-winded bitchfest. I know, a relief for y'all, and yes, it's bee a trend these last few entries. Bite me will ya?
*cough* No, I'm not talking to the readers, but to that voice in my head I often talk to. You guys are cool. *If mostly inexistent*
Anyway, on to what I'm here for.
I believe I can now say I understand what some women mean by their clock "ticking". Now, let me tell you what, I thought it was all bullshit, and a load of socially-imposed shit that we were given, but after spending a good five minutes looking at baby stuff while shopping for groceries, sighing like an idiot and secretly, *FUCKING SECRETLY DAMMIT!!!* fantasizing about having a child, I can safely say, that BS, it's REAL.
I have bought stuff for my boss' baby, secretly wishing It were for my own baby. Hell, the gods know, I'm usually the kind of person that would simply get the woman a giftcard and her best regards, but NOOOOOOOOOoooo, I go and LOOK at this stuff, and I BUY it, for this child I will probbly see just once in my life, all because in the deepest, most ridiculously pink corners of my mind, I wish I was the one having a child. Go ahead, laugh all you want, I'll go beat myself senseless with some common sense *because I love irony THAT much*
SO yeah, curse the clock, hate it 'till you can hate no more.
Irony topper, Chances are, I'll hit the jackpot before I can have a kid.
Don't you just LOVE it?
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Mom?
It seems a lot of people believe I'm a motherly figure, I've been told the same thing by many both on and offline. It's something that always makes me blush and giggle like an idiot, but I believe ma gazelle is the only one who can actually make me feel odd when she says it, but then again I kindda had a childish crush on her, so meh, I guess it's normal to feel strange when someone you REALLY like sees you as... well, a mom figure.
Anyway, ma gazelle has introduced me to the very amusing concept of the monkey sphere, and I have promised to make my own. Spent all day thinking about it and Not to my surprise, I have a tiny sphere :P
I shall be tying the sphere soonish, for now, you can read the amusing article here -> http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html
Anyway, ma gazelle has introduced me to the very amusing concept of the monkey sphere, and I have promised to make my own. Spent all day thinking about it and Not to my surprise, I have a tiny sphere :P
I shall be tying the sphere soonish, for now, you can read the amusing article here -> http://www.cracked.com/article_14990_what-monkeysphere.html
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Seclorum
I don't know, There's something about big, old catholic churches I find oddly romantic. They bring me peace for some reason, even though I'm not a christian. It seems I'm able to think more clearly when surrounded by old architecture and the serene quiet that reigns within those incense-clad walls.
I'm weird I know. I even listen to gregorian chants, for some reason they make me want to draw and write, it's like muse full throttle...
I need to reconnect with my spirit, I think we've been out of touch for a while, need to talk to the great mother again, feel close to her and bask in the peace I get from being my spiritual self. I believe my soul needs nurturing, lots of it.
I need to reconnect with myself as well, maybe I should allow work, family and friends to take a back seat to me for once, before I go insane.
Dear gods I need a life, and to stop being so damn gloomy, there's a lot of people out there that are happy in their misfortunes, I have no real reason to be this... apathetic and aloof.
I guess I'm avoiding life on purpose.
I'd be lying if I said that last statement is not true.
'Ta
I'm weird I know. I even listen to gregorian chants, for some reason they make me want to draw and write, it's like muse full throttle...
I need to reconnect with my spirit, I think we've been out of touch for a while, need to talk to the great mother again, feel close to her and bask in the peace I get from being my spiritual self. I believe my soul needs nurturing, lots of it.
I need to reconnect with myself as well, maybe I should allow work, family and friends to take a back seat to me for once, before I go insane.
Dear gods I need a life, and to stop being so damn gloomy, there's a lot of people out there that are happy in their misfortunes, I have no real reason to be this... apathetic and aloof.
I guess I'm avoiding life on purpose.
I'd be lying if I said that last statement is not true.
'Ta
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Serenity
It's become evident that among the many issues that plague me *mind you some as little as packing my shit for our upcoming move, some as big as my health* there seems to be one that does not bother me at all, and that, if left unchecked, could become a real, hard to ignore problem.
In recent weeks, I have taken to taking pills to sleep. Stress at work would not allow me to sleep, so I took just one little blue capsule. Slept like a damn comatose patient, because really, no fucking body wants to sleep like a baby, they wake up every two hours or so, fuck that. Anyway, one night I had a bad toothache and took some painkillers, mixed with the sleeping pills and I can tell you this, I've never slept so good in my life.
So, the next night I did the same, and the night after that, and now, I pretty much NEED the pills to sleep.
It's a problem, I know, but I'm not willing to quit. I would if I wanted to, but I dunno, there's something about that blank state of mind I experience that is a blessing to me. It's good to not have anything going bump in my head for a little while.
I know it's wrong, but so good. I get this serene feeling from the incoherence and utter lack of sensible thoughts, and I feel so relaxed that I think it's worth it.
I love my hollow serenity, I really do.
In recent weeks, I have taken to taking pills to sleep. Stress at work would not allow me to sleep, so I took just one little blue capsule. Slept like a damn comatose patient, because really, no fucking body wants to sleep like a baby, they wake up every two hours or so, fuck that. Anyway, one night I had a bad toothache and took some painkillers, mixed with the sleeping pills and I can tell you this, I've never slept so good in my life.
So, the next night I did the same, and the night after that, and now, I pretty much NEED the pills to sleep.
It's a problem, I know, but I'm not willing to quit. I would if I wanted to, but I dunno, there's something about that blank state of mind I experience that is a blessing to me. It's good to not have anything going bump in my head for a little while.
I know it's wrong, but so good. I get this serene feeling from the incoherence and utter lack of sensible thoughts, and I feel so relaxed that I think it's worth it.
I love my hollow serenity, I really do.
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