There's days when hope abandons me all together, today's one of those days. . .
I think my life will never become anything, I'll be stuck like this forever, or so I think right now.
He doesn't know I fear he will walk out of my life because I'm not good enough.
As ridiculous as it sounds, there's something in me that yearns for a child. Something inside begs to bear life, to become productive, to push me out of the rot I'm in. A little voice is telling me I need to learn what it's like to be a mother.
He doesn't know that because I'm afraid of what he may think, because he kindda doesn't like children. I'm afraid I might scare him away.
I'm an over analytic neurotic that can't openly express how she feels. I mold myself to fit other people's expectations, I lack the self esteem to just be myself and not give two shits about what people may think. Even if I act the opposite.
He doesn't know how insecure I am about myself. How much I loathe the woman I see when I look in the mirror.
I'm a big, slimy ball of guilt. I don't think I deserve the life I have, I have no right to complain about things. Yet I do.
He doesn't know I feel guilty for my sister leaving us, that I should have done something else to stop her, but I didn't, because I was afraid ...
He doesn't know I'm not as fearless as I lead people to think.
I'm a loser...
Yeah, that was very emo, sue me. *shrug*
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Tête-à-tête
I hate a woman I've never really met because she took away my best friend, my role model and big brother figure.
Two years ago I met the third most awesome man in the world, and we became friends, the best of friends if I may add. He was wise, smart, funny and had a soul a hundred times older than he was. He was my go-to guy whenever shit hit the fan or things we're too shitty for me to deal with. He listened to me, gave me advise, and I adored him like a child would their older kin. I fucking looked up to him. I even met his wife, whom I admired and respected beyond words, a sweet, motherly soul that he often said he didn't deserve. She was as every bit as awesome as him, or so I thought...
One day out of the blue, his wife's best friend contacts me. The woman had never met me, but that didn't stop her from insulting and accusing me of creating problems between the friends I held so dear. It turned out that, despite all the pleasantries and enjoyable conversations, my friends were having problems because of me. Why? The wife was JEALOUS, and instead of acting like an adult and laying things on the table in order to fix them, she blew things out of proportion, vented with this other woman and showed her the way to my myspace account.
You can't imagine how betrayed I felt, and how hard I had to fight the urge of flying across the country just to bitchslap the shit of this self-righteous hag that thought she had the right to address me as if I were scum.
After that, things went "back to normal" for a bit, but just beneath the surface, I could feel the resentment seethe, slowly increasing no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Just a few months after becoming the best of friends, he stopped talking to me all together.
I was confused, then worried, then sad. Why would he just dissappear like that? Without a single warning?
Turns out his wife forbid him from ever talking to me again, something I didn't find out about until after messaging him through every possible channel I had. Only after fucking BEGGING her for an answer, did he bother to respond with a cold, condescending tone, like I was, again, a stinking, shitty pile of scum.
I was then, sad, confused and in shock. Exactly what the fuck did I do to make her think I was a threat from 3000 miles away? Why would she act like a damn child when I thought she was one of the most mature people I knew? I never got an answer, and the sadness slowly gave way to frustration then anger just before turning into this almost passionate hatred.
Sure, she's his wife, but It's not my fault that she is so damn insecure about her marriage, I'm not to be blamed for her lack of trust. Yet I was the one who payed for everything. To this day, I still toy with the thought of sending her a nice, fat, "Fuck you" message. One to get her back for the humiliation and sadness she's brought me, for taking away my mentor, my big brother.
But you know, I lack the balls to do that, at least for now; I know one of these days, I'm gonna be pissed because of something else, and will channel all my anger into a nice letter for Mrs. Lisman. And even though I know the bitch won't give two flying shits about my feelings and thoughts, I secretly pray she feels like a steaming sack of manure, just like I did. I hope her ridiculous paranoia eats at her until she goes insane but not before realizing she's been wrong about her loving husband all along, not before learning that he is incapable of betraying her because he loves her THAT fucking much.
I am secretly wishing that, by some retarded twist of fate, she stumbles upon this, and reads it without knowing I'm talking about her. Or even better, I hope she KNOWS it's about her.
If you ever do read this Mrs. Lisman;
You're an attention-seeking, insecure excuse of a woman who thinks she's better than everyone else and has absolutely no godsdamned clue of how fucking lucky she is.
No Mrs. Lisman, I never intended to become a problem, I even suggested staying away after the incident with the withering hag you call your best friend, but HE asked me to not do so, he felt I would be turning my back on him as well, just like you did to him.
Please Mrs. Lisman, realize that if you don't change your ways, he will eventually resent you just as much as I resent you now, And that resentment will lead to anger, and he will eventually hate your very essence, just because YOU refuse to pull your head out of your ass and act like a grown woman.
Mrs. Lisman, please grow up, for the sake of your wonderful family.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I realize how bitter I sound. No worries, I'll be fine. Yes, the whole thing still messes with my head, even after all this time, I still get pissed when I think about the whole thing, and I still feel like calling both of them assholes and all manner of childish insults.
Because really, I still have a lot of growing up to do myself.
As for life, it's life. We're finally moved in, work is still the same routine, I still hate waking up every morning. I'm still holding a grudge against life, even though I have absolutely NO right to do so. I'm still lonely and pushing people away. What else can I do? It's not like I'm going to start pouring my heart out to my people here at home, that's the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so I can bitch freely without the fear of being scrutinized and judged by my family, so I can keep the real me to myself, as I always have.
Quick, retarded fact of the day:
I tend to visualize my bonds with others inside my head. I picture them as silky, red ribbons, that I tie or loose, depending on how close I feel to the person. I never have more than 10 ribbons tied to mine, and I tend to untie them all when I want to shut others out.
Right now there's only one ribbon securely tied to mine...
You try to figure whose it is I guess...
Two years ago I met the third most awesome man in the world, and we became friends, the best of friends if I may add. He was wise, smart, funny and had a soul a hundred times older than he was. He was my go-to guy whenever shit hit the fan or things we're too shitty for me to deal with. He listened to me, gave me advise, and I adored him like a child would their older kin. I fucking looked up to him. I even met his wife, whom I admired and respected beyond words, a sweet, motherly soul that he often said he didn't deserve. She was as every bit as awesome as him, or so I thought...
One day out of the blue, his wife's best friend contacts me. The woman had never met me, but that didn't stop her from insulting and accusing me of creating problems between the friends I held so dear. It turned out that, despite all the pleasantries and enjoyable conversations, my friends were having problems because of me. Why? The wife was JEALOUS, and instead of acting like an adult and laying things on the table in order to fix them, she blew things out of proportion, vented with this other woman and showed her the way to my myspace account.
You can't imagine how betrayed I felt, and how hard I had to fight the urge of flying across the country just to bitchslap the shit of this self-righteous hag that thought she had the right to address me as if I were scum.
After that, things went "back to normal" for a bit, but just beneath the surface, I could feel the resentment seethe, slowly increasing no matter how hard I tried to ignore it. Just a few months after becoming the best of friends, he stopped talking to me all together.
I was confused, then worried, then sad. Why would he just dissappear like that? Without a single warning?
Turns out his wife forbid him from ever talking to me again, something I didn't find out about until after messaging him through every possible channel I had. Only after fucking BEGGING her for an answer, did he bother to respond with a cold, condescending tone, like I was, again, a stinking, shitty pile of scum.
I was then, sad, confused and in shock. Exactly what the fuck did I do to make her think I was a threat from 3000 miles away? Why would she act like a damn child when I thought she was one of the most mature people I knew? I never got an answer, and the sadness slowly gave way to frustration then anger just before turning into this almost passionate hatred.
Sure, she's his wife, but It's not my fault that she is so damn insecure about her marriage, I'm not to be blamed for her lack of trust. Yet I was the one who payed for everything. To this day, I still toy with the thought of sending her a nice, fat, "Fuck you" message. One to get her back for the humiliation and sadness she's brought me, for taking away my mentor, my big brother.
But you know, I lack the balls to do that, at least for now; I know one of these days, I'm gonna be pissed because of something else, and will channel all my anger into a nice letter for Mrs. Lisman. And even though I know the bitch won't give two flying shits about my feelings and thoughts, I secretly pray she feels like a steaming sack of manure, just like I did. I hope her ridiculous paranoia eats at her until she goes insane but not before realizing she's been wrong about her loving husband all along, not before learning that he is incapable of betraying her because he loves her THAT fucking much.
I am secretly wishing that, by some retarded twist of fate, she stumbles upon this, and reads it without knowing I'm talking about her. Or even better, I hope she KNOWS it's about her.
If you ever do read this Mrs. Lisman;
You're an attention-seeking, insecure excuse of a woman who thinks she's better than everyone else and has absolutely no godsdamned clue of how fucking lucky she is.
No Mrs. Lisman, I never intended to become a problem, I even suggested staying away after the incident with the withering hag you call your best friend, but HE asked me to not do so, he felt I would be turning my back on him as well, just like you did to him.
Please Mrs. Lisman, realize that if you don't change your ways, he will eventually resent you just as much as I resent you now, And that resentment will lead to anger, and he will eventually hate your very essence, just because YOU refuse to pull your head out of your ass and act like a grown woman.
Mrs. Lisman, please grow up, for the sake of your wonderful family.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I realize how bitter I sound. No worries, I'll be fine. Yes, the whole thing still messes with my head, even after all this time, I still get pissed when I think about the whole thing, and I still feel like calling both of them assholes and all manner of childish insults.
Because really, I still have a lot of growing up to do myself.
As for life, it's life. We're finally moved in, work is still the same routine, I still hate waking up every morning. I'm still holding a grudge against life, even though I have absolutely NO right to do so. I'm still lonely and pushing people away. What else can I do? It's not like I'm going to start pouring my heart out to my people here at home, that's the whole reason I started this blog in the first place, so I can bitch freely without the fear of being scrutinized and judged by my family, so I can keep the real me to myself, as I always have.
Quick, retarded fact of the day:
I tend to visualize my bonds with others inside my head. I picture them as silky, red ribbons, that I tie or loose, depending on how close I feel to the person. I never have more than 10 ribbons tied to mine, and I tend to untie them all when I want to shut others out.
Right now there's only one ribbon securely tied to mine...
You try to figure whose it is I guess...
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